Mid 2020 – The Year that Wasn’t.
I was told my project role with the National Trust would be ending. I am not alone, many people suffered job losses from the economic impact of the Covid-19 epidemic. It made no difference that I was a highly rated employee, sometimes life just hands you those blows. I attempted to look for work in my area of expertise, but the industry had frozen and the very few roles I applied for went to people in-house (this is not a dig but an understood little talked about feature of the industry). Never the less so many no’s = soul destroying.
My mental health fell into decline. Where once I could cope, I really struggled, I had lost my sense of worth and purpose. I took a part time job just to cover the bills whilst caring full time for my mother who was undergoing chemotherapy having been diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer during the pandemic.
To bring back a chink of joy to myself and for my own sanity I began walking again, properly walking like I had in my youth and university days visiting free places of interest that fired my imagination and fed my soul. The walking brought us closer as a family and gave me a sense of purpose, especially on those darker days. Heritage Hiker was born. It became clear early on that if it was ever to grow as a concept that I would need to look for support.
April 2021 – Time of Change.
I connected with Welsh Ice 5-9 club to learn how to make the concept look and feel professional and what I needed to do going forward. Through them I applied to Newport Women’s Forum Award Scheme for financial support to attend the training and assessment to gain a professional qualification in walk leading. I will be forever grateful to them for awarding me that grant at a time when I felt so worthless, it was the beginning of change. They run a yearly bursary application process and do such great work supporting women – please do look at their website and think about applying if you fit the criteria, they really are all so lovely and supportive.
It was during this time I noticed the gap of a sense of disconnect and difference with the world I had always felt widen even more, I was exhausted. After exploring these feelings and connecting with stories from other women (especially listening to one life changing interview on BBC Radio 4) I decided to self-refer myself for an autism assessment.
December 2021 – Know Yourself?
In December 2021 I went for autism assessment and by January 2022 I knew. I knew what I had known in my heart and my senses since I was a child. I am different, I think differently and the world as many know it just isn’t built for the way I think. This has required me to double my efforts just to walk unnoticed in the world, so it was no surprise I was exhausted. The relief I felt was enormous, now I could forgive myself for so much of the struggle I felt I had brought upon myself and begin the process of being kinder to myself for those things that are a struggle but that also make me.
Would I change being autistic if I could – No. With the challenges it also brings what feels like superpowers. Did it shake me? Of course, endlessly ruminating questions – Who really am I? What is real about my life? Have my vulnerabilities allowed people to take advantage of me in a way that others don’t have to bear or wouldn’t tolerate? Does feeling the need to change and adapt to the environment to survive make me fake? How did I not know?
March 2022 – New Beginnings.
I had signed up to Mountain Training to complete Hill and Moorland Leader Training (a little later than hoped due to push back from a second wave of Covid-19). A great 3 days were spent near Abercrave led by Matt Woodfield at Outdoors Matters. Here I learnt some great skills and knew what needed to be done to become a professional walk leader. Matt is a great teacher, so patient and very knowledgeable. At that point I hadn’t disclosed to anyone about my diagnosis, I wasn’t ready.
Summer 2022 – Building skills.
As the months moved on it became a focus that allowed me to bring joy, build confidence and faith in my abilities knowing what I now knew about myself. As the walking record built up, I took willing friends out and about challenging them to push their own limits, some physically, some mentally and some both. I connected with a local walking group and led a few walks, building on those core skills required for assessment. It really helped to be around people who love to be in the outdoors just as much as I do.
At the end of September 2022 I led an MTA Workshop on the Historic landscape for the Mountain Training Association and whilst reflection can always improve performance, I knew I was as ready as I would ever be. Feeling confident enough during this time to begin to disclose my autism to friends, family and others I felt needed to know. I booked on to the November assessment dates.
November 2022 – The End of the Beginning – What’s next?
I have honestly never completed such a tough challenge in my life as the Mountain Training Hill and Moorland Assessment. Nor have I ever felt a sense of such achievement in passing. Three tough, gruelling days out on exposed moorland in the west Brecon Beacons with low visibility, harsh wind, and rain. The conditions were probably the most challenging and extreme that they could be. Like we said amongst our assessment group, if we can do this, we can do anything. Standing alone in the dark (literally) having to work out where you are and how to get to the next point really tested me mentally. As someone who uses the senses and is hypersensitive to any sensory changes especially where a sense of safety is involved this was my toughest personal challenge.
What did I learn? I am more capable than I realise and I have a lot to give. If I need to take more time to think that is okay and I should not be ashamed of my vulnerability nor my disability.
What next? Some decompression time following such an intense experience, some reflection and then a plan of where to go next…… What I do know is that I will keep walking, keep leading and keep sharing….
Finally
Special thanks must go to my husband Chris who supports me in all my madness and my daughter Lizzie who is my light. To all those people who let me walk them miles over unseen paths and who trusted me to return them safely – especially Harriet, Libby, Sam, Craig, Toby, Lucy and Nigel. To Welsh Ice for the free support, they can offer to budding entrepreneurs. Newport Women’s Forum for supporting women. Matt Woodfield for being a legend of a teacher and just an awesome human. To my training and assessment groups just for being there.
For Mal – one of the strongest, bravest, and most inspirational people I have ever met. You are more than enough.
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